The Story Of Us.

I like being the steady friend who takes care of the things that need to be taken cared of whenever we have “grown up” gatherings (aka when things need to be planned out). I am always that girl, and I love being that for them. It makes me feel important. 

I like being the steady friend that they can go to when they just want to chill out and talk. I think everyone needs one in their set of friends, or at least one in their lives. Everyone needs some kind of solid foundation. I’m not saying that I’m the super innocent “never did anything bad” friend, it’s just that my friends are super out there that I look so boring compared to them, but I don’t mind. I let them do their thing, and I will just be watching on the sidelines and wait for them to live out the phase and I cannot wait til they get tired of going out every week and just settle down a bit. I will be patiently waiting because I’m Aia and I will always believe that everything will fall into place at the right time when it’s supposed to. But for right now, this is us and it is just as it should be.

We will continue to grow up and old together. I know this now. This might be as naive as it gets, but as time goes by, I become more sure of us. I was sure that around this time, I would completely lose touch with them, but the latter part of this year has been so great and I think it was important that it happened. The distance that happens in between is inevitable and necessary. And even though we will be seeing less of each other as time goes by, we will always have these moments that will bring us back to what brought us together in the first place. This is what I have with them and I will always keep it in my heart. And even though it seems that I’m the only one who feels this way about us, I don’t mind because I know they do too, just in their own way. We will never talk about this, and that's okay. I choose to write about it and they choose to live it. This is what makes us us and I love it.

I know I always say that I miss them more than they miss me, and that’s still true, but I choose not to mind. I refuse to miss them less just because they don’t miss me. I love us and I always will. I will always be writing about us. I think I’ve written about us more than I wanted to and it always says the same things, just in a different era of our lives. Well, my life, to be exact. I’ve written about us when I was depressed, when I was happy, and when I was with them living in the moment, just being there and participating. I have written about us when I missed them dearly and briefly regretted it after because I know that it was just me being sad and left out. But as we get older, I’ve learned to understand that no one will ever be the perfect friend/s. I have come to realize that they also have a life that they live that doesn’t involve you at all. They may and will forget you sometimes (most of the time), but they won’t forget about you when it counts. You won’t always be there during the nights when they said that it was the “best,” but the great thing about us is that there will always be another “best” night to come. This happens often since we’re such a big group, but this time around, I don’t mind.

I will love us always. I will always choose to love the distance when we’re apart and I will continue to love us when we’re together again. I will always be overdramatic about this. I refuse to feel less. I will always write about us and the moments that we felt horrible and infinite at the same time waiting for the sun to come up.

This will be the story of our lives and it’s still happening. Things will change and people will too, just like they should. Because what kind of story would that be if nothing changed at all?

Dear You,

I'm pretty sure I'll always ask myself why we're friends. Or how we even became friends. I don't even remember the exact moment this happened, but it did. To this day I really don't know how we ended up here, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

You might not be the friend who I hang out with every weekend, and you're definitely not my "let's get lost in a bookstore" friend. You might not be the friend I call or text when little things happen and you're not the friend I talk to on a regular basis, but at the end of the day it doesn't really matter. You will always be the friend I can talk to after 5 years of not seeing each other and it's not going to be awkward in any way. I really believe that. And I think it works that way because we're so different yet we're the same. We live very different lives, and apart from the obvious, we have very different friends that will not survive in the same room together, yet somehow, we do.

I like that we balance each other out. I like that we will never run out of stories to tell because you're you and I'm me. I'll always be the friend you hang out with if you wanna have a chill night. "Coffee conversations" or whatever. And you're the one I always wanna catch up with because I never know what you're up to. I just realized that through the years, you taught me how to be less judgemental and very judgemental at the same time. I know that doesn't make a lot of sense, but it does. Think about it for a second.

Off topic, I just rummaged through my "box" and read some of our letters and they are still funny. Whatever happens, I know that we're going to be the same because once upon a time it was us against the world, and they were definitely some of the greatest moments, some of my favorites, and I will treasure them forever.

I love you always,

Aia

Clingy.

I noticed that I would always say that my world was very small. "It's not like I meet new people on a regular basis," is something I find myself saying frequently. And it's true that I get annoyed by that fact because I generally like people, and new friends are always welcome. But the truth is, I like that my world is small. Most days.

I like the fact that I only have two sets of friends. I like that I know exactly who the people in my life are and what to expect or not. I like that I grew up with them in more ways than one. I like that I don't have to split my time with too many people, I just split it with those two. Obviously, I am very much invested in them. You don't spend your time growing up with them and just push it aside. Too much history. Sure, there'll be off days and distance and life all that stuff, but you can look at it however you wish, you're still stuck with them. This is it. For better or worse. Stuck in a good way. Most of the time, anyway.

I write this now because I don't have anything else to do, and when that happens I get sucked into these stupid girl feelings which are the worst ever. I write this now because separation anxiety is kicking in and it's never good when it does. I write this now because I care. Not that they don't care, I'm sure they do too, it's just that I care... a lot. Like, a lot a lot. I care the most. Maybe. Yeah, probably. Whatever. I won't apologize for it because I tried doing that, and it didn't help at all. It took me years, but I've accepted that I am hardwired this way and there is nothing I can do about it. I'll always be that person. I'll always try hard not to look like it, and I might even lie about it, but I'll always care. I'll always be the one wondering about how everyone is doing and if they're doing okay. I probably won't always be the one to ask if they're okay, so sometimes I wait for them to come talk to me. Sometimes. And I don't ask just 'cause. I ask because I'm curious and I care, okay? I really do.

I write this now because I miss people. I'll always be the one to miss everyone. Sometimes I feel like it's my job. It's a secret (not so secret now) job that I love and hate just because I always end up back here. It's become a little too familiar now. And for some reason, these days it's a bit taboo to just say "I miss you" to someone without sounding so clingy and ridiculous. It seems ridiculous because, duh, there's Twitter now and Facebook and Instagram and all these social networks that are supposed to let you know what they're doing with their lives. That's nice that you had that for lunch and all, but I still miss you. It's nice that you wore that outfit today, but I still miss you. It's nice that you're bored in class right now, but I still miss you. 

Gahh, I hate it. I hate being that person, but alas, here we are. Clingy.

I write this now because I am the worst over thinker in the world. All those things I just said are probably so ridiculous because obviously, these people have lives to live! They don't care about this stuff. They don't have time to think about it. I, on the other hand, do. I have lots of it. Time and I haven't been the best of friends. I always over think everything and it gets exhausting sometimes. I constantly have to remind myself that all of this should just be simple, and yet I always find myself back here. Sometimes I don't mind because I've gotten used to it, but nights like tonight suck.

Stupid girl feelings.

12 Things For Christmas

Lol, what a clever title. I'm writing this entry because I realize that I keep saying "I want this for Christmas" during the year and then never remembering when I'm actually about to go shopping or if someone asks haha. Whatevs. Go!

1. Taylor Swift CD/DVDs. This lady is my inner most girly girl spirit animal. She gets me. I want to be best friends with her and bake cupcakes and talk about feelings. Fearless DVD or Speak Now CD/DVD would be just lovely!

2. Harry Potter 'Page To Screen' book. I keep telling myself I'm getting this book, but I never do. It's MASSIVE. I keep hoping maybe someone would be kind enough to gift it to me, but it's pretty steep, so I guess I'll be accepting Fully Booked gift certificates hihi.

3. All About Me by Philipp Keel. I skimmed though this book really fast, like just the first few pages, and I immediately said that I needed it. It's this book where you list down things about yourself. Not that anyone cares, but you know, it might be useful one day. Like, "Tell me a little bit about yourself." and then I just hand over that book. Easy as pie.

4. Bobbi Brown / Benefit foundation. BEST. I need it. I strongly feel that you just need a really good foundation and you're set. I use a $2 / Php 80 drugstore blush and it works just fine.

5. Blackberry Curve 9220 casing. Because mine sucks so bad and it's so hard to find a good solid casing. Can't wait to get back on an iPhone.

6. iPhone. I miss my iPhone :( A 4S would be lovely. Not really sold on iPhone 5, but if I get enough money by the time the next new iPhone comes out, then I'll go for that instead haha.

7. Mixtapes. I love getting mixtapes. I love finding out what my friends listen to, it says so much about them. I feel like I'm getting to know them on another level or something.

8. Instax Mini. Been wanting you foreverrrrr. My wall is calling you.

9. Handwritten letters. -- “I've been thinking about letters recently. The real kind, long hand. And how terrible it is that nobody's writing them any more."-- handwritten letters or just even notes are always the best for me. It just is.

10. Wallet. I want a new wallet. The one I have now is too big and bulky.

11.  Dark Chocolate Mint M&Ms. Just because dark chocolate and mint are my favorite favorite combination. Do they have dark mint chocolate cakes? Omg.

12. Anything American Football or Southern or Country. I blame Friday Night Lights for this. I mean, I've always liked Country music and Southern things because it has this "home" vibe which I could never explain to people, but when I watched FNL, game over. I am on board with all of it. Southern living, the lovely houses, all of it. Especially football. First and foremost, I am not a big sports girl. I don't have a team, obviously, but never have I ever researched so much about a sport that's not even played here in the PH. I actually spent an entire day just reading up on the rules, all the positions, the terms (I had to differentiate a kick off from a punt and I didn't know what the hell "2nd and 10" meant), all of it! It just really sucks that they don't show the NFL here, so I just get to watch The Big 12 & the Pacific 12 leagues. College ball is intense, and I don't even know the difference of those leagues. I only get to watch college games every Sunday morning (Saturday night in the States) and sometimes replays, but they rarely air those. I have to schedule the games on my phone. I don't even... whatever. So yeah, anything football for Christmas would be lovely.

And yes, world. I am well aware that it's only November. In the Philippines, Christmas is kind of a big deal. We have this thing we call the "ber" months which starts on September 1st. It's when we start counting down the days 'til Christmas. I am pretty sure we're the only ones who do this. Apparently, we love our Christmas.

To My Future Person.

Today I spent the evening with my family. And by family I mean almost all of my cousins and aunts and uncles. I love spending quality time there at my aunt's place. It's one of the few places I feel comfortable in the exact meaning of the word. I mean, it's just not the house itself, it's all of us being there. It's one of those moments that I really take in and I say to myself, this is family. There is always food. Always. Little (but not so little anymore) kids run around and the mahjong table is always mandatory whatever the occasion. Sometimes there are board games, but mostly it's just talking, coffee, mahjong and eating.

Earlier tonight while I was waiting for my turn in Scrabble, one of my aunts started playing the piano and then a cousin of mine played after her. While they were playing the piano, I had this wallflower moment where I just looked around. There wasn't really much going on other than the usual, but I just thought that this was really, really nice. And then I thought about your family. I wonder what you all do when you're just hanging out. What your idea of fun was. Do any of your cousins or aunts or uncles play the piano? Or maybe the guitar? Is your family as dorky as my family? Probably not. My aunts and uncles play old tagalog movie / showbiz trivias almost every Christmas and it's so silly, I don't even understand any of it, but it's one of my favorite things to watch. It's as dorky as it gets. I wondered what kind of gatherings you had as a family and if you had a staple food that you all eat during Noche Buena or whatever. I know this is all so silly, but I couldn't help thinking about it. I have these random moments sometimes. It's weird, I know. I'm just hardwired that way.

I guess I'll never really stop thinking about how you are when you're with your family because I am close with mine and it's important to me that you value yours as well. I like the idea of being in one of your family gatherings and talking to your aunts or uncles and slowly figuring out why you are the way you are, why you think the way you do, where you got those certain mannerisms from, and whatever else you might've gotten from them. I mean, I know those kinds of things are often overlooked these days, and they might be so simple, but I just feel so strongly about it. I'm not quite sure why.

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this right now. I guess I will always be that girl.

I’d like my relationship to be like a Taylor Swift song.

I know, I know. What a stupid thing to say. But the sad part is I’m not kidding. Maybe.

I mean, sure, maybe in the end it’s gonna be a contest of who can act like they care less, and maybe I’ll end up okay, but not being fine at all. And maybe I’ll end up not knowing how to be something you miss, but I probably wouldn’t mind ending up like that just so I can have screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain. Having slamming screen doors and your laugh as our song because it’s the best sound I have ever heard.

I’d like to meet you on a Wednesday, in a cafe, and watch it begin again. Have myself think that it’s strange that you think I’m funny because he never did. I’ll never see you coming, and all I’ll feel in my stomach is butterflies; the beautiful kind. I won’t be able to decide if getting swept away is a choice, but I’m sure that day is going to end with me blushing all the way home because I was so enchanted to meet you.

I’d like to jump then fall. Have you pull me in and be a little more brave. Be fearless. You will smile that beautiful smile and I will look into your eyes and have it feel like coming home. It was the best day and it’s going to be the start of our ridiculous love story. All you have to do is just say yes.

I know it’s never gonna be simple or easy. We’ll have our crazy fights and I’ll always brace myself for goodbyes. And I might tell you that we’re never ever getting back together, but I’ll always go back when time stood still and I had you. It's going to be like the movies where you’ll be on the other side of the door because you know that we’re the lucky ones, and you’ll make me realize it. I’ll think that we’ve made quite a mess, but I’ll always stay because I’ll always go back to the day that we met and the sparks flew instantly. I remember it all too well.

And then maybe someday you’ll tell me that every time you look at me it feels like the first time and that I’m the best thing that’s ever been yours. The water’s going to be rough, but this love is brave and wild, and it’s ours. It’s going to be the golden age of something good and right and real.

It might drive me crazier, but this is why I want my life to be like a Taylor Swift song.

In Case You Were Wondering

In case you were wondering, life has been pretty good lately. I've been having great weekends all in a row and you weren't involved.

In case you were wondering, I'm still a bit pissed off and you're still not fully forgiven.

In case you were wondering, my feelings have been a bit all over the place more than usual, and no, I do not appreciate being ignored in my time of dire need. Especially by you. And it's not that I don't get it because I do. All I ask is a little bit of effort because I'm so tired of being the one who cares so much. And it's not like I blame you for my caring too much, you know I'm wired this way, I'm just saying that it gets so tiring.

In case you were wondering, and this is if you didn't already know, I shut down when it gets too much. I miss you, but lately I don't miss you as much anymore and that scares me a little bit. Being with everyone else is making that a lot easier to do now.

And just in case you were wondering, I'm scared that I'm slowly getting used to the idea of not needing you or not having you there, but lately it's looking that way.

I knew something eventually had to give, but I never thought it was gonna be you.

Have Tea With Me

Coffee, tea, whatever. 

Having coffee or tea with someone I love to talk to is one of my favorite things. I love the idea that you can just sit there for hours talking about anything and everything, or maybe nothing at all and just sit in comfortable silence. I love it.

I also love the idea of breakfast. I’m never up early enough to actually have breakfast, (unless it’s a pre-scheduled date and I’m actually willing to wake up that early for you) but on regular days it’s always brunch, which is also great, but I really like breakfast. Having breakfast with someone is basically starting your day with them, and I think that’s lovely.

I’d like to think that I'll end up a with a foodie someday. I love people who love food and love discovering new hidden restaurants with yummy food and things like that. Someone I can go on a quest for the best red velvet and cheesecake in the Metro with, or someone who can go wine tasting with me even though we don’t really know jack about wine. I love wine, I just can’t tell distinct differences. I’d love to know how.

Or maybe someone who likes to go to museums, and not ironically to make fun of people who do. Someone who genuinely likes to go to museums. Or at least someone who would be up for it. Not like I have any artistic credibility or anything, I just like looking at beautiful things and appreciating the work that the artist has put into it. Or just for educational purposes because learning new things is cool. I was one of those kids who loved going to museums during field trips while everyone else was bored.

Come with me, let’s go do boring things together.

21 Reasons Why We Don't Work

1. I quite like getting lost in books and you don't understand why. 
2. I like theater, and you can't be bothered with anything musical.
3. It's like you purposely don't like to look good. I mean, really. Put a little bit of effort.
4. You don't understand Twitter. (yeaaah, sometimes I don't too)
5. You think Hanson and boy bands are stupid. WELL... no. Piss off.
6. You are too headstrong sometimes, and so am I. 
7. I'm not a big fan of ketchup, so we can never share a burger because you will murder it. Why don't you like mustard? Mustard is good. Mustard is safe. Mustard > Ketchup.
8. You like to play with people's feelings, which I think isn't very nice. 
9. The things I can't do, you can, but you just won't and it pisses me off so much. 
10. You're stuck in the past, and sometimes I am too. Let's just move on already.
11. I would just rather stay at home and hang out with a few friends.
12. I like discovering beautiful things and when I do, you're just... "MEH."
13. We have different tastes in music and we can't just agree to disagree.
14. You're not much of a "feelings" person, which is fine, I've accepted it. But it's still nice to hear it sometimes.
15. I'm too emotional sometimes.
16. I don't tell you what's wrong.
17. You're jaded.
18. I'm clingy.
19. We don't talk.
20. I would like to go places and you don't. You want to stay wherever it's comfortable and I can't do that. I mean, I can, but if given a choice, I don't think I will. I'd rather be challenged to get the best out of me and then settle down comfortably after I learn things about myself and the world. 
21. You settle and I always want more.

At the end of the day, I will always be the dreamer and you will always be the realist. You are all the things that I am not, and that is why we work.

TV Shows and Feelings

Last night me and some girl friends, like the old ladies we are, spent the night playing Scrabble and Monopoly Deal, drinking tea and talked about feelings and stuff until 4 in the morning. Yup. On a Wednesday. See how badass we are? Of all the things we talked about last night, this is probably my favorite funny moment.

Now, if you know me or if you follow me on Tumblr or Twitter, you would absolutely know that I am a fangirl. I mean, I don't write fanfictions and stuff, but I'm pretty emotionally invested. I'm a lot invested, actually. I don't know. Just... feelings. Harry Potter and my tv shows get most of it. Occasionally Taylor Swift, but that's besides the point. You guys obviously know this because your timeline would be filled with my feelings when I watch my tv shows. I'm sure you hate me when I do that, but sorry, I'm not sorry.

Anyway, on to my story. My friend Lauren just finished watching the first season of Friday Night Lights so we started talking about it, and by talking I mean going back and forth with our favorite scenes and lines with little squeals in between. And the annoying sap that I am, I get emotional when I talk about my tv shows. Always. Especially when it's One Tree Hill, Dawson's Creek, The OC, and the most recent addition, Friday Night Lights. I have more tv shows, but these are my heart crushing, emotion-filled, turn-my-world-upside down shows. So yeah, we were talking about it and then I started talking about my tv shows as if they were my past relationships. IT WAS SO RIDICULOUS, YOU GUYS! I'M LAUGHING AS I'M TYPING THIS IN ALL CAPS!

I was all, "Yeah, 'cause One Tree Hill will always be my first great love."--still laughing while I'm typing this, fyi-- but it's true! That show saved my life multiple times. Just... ugh. That show will always have a special place in my heart. I am that show's bitch. I literally cried in a fetal position when I watched the series finale. Moving on, it went to "I have all these feelings for Friday Night Lights because it's one of those things that I never expected at all, but it's there. Wala na 'kong nagawa. Ganon eh. I fell in love. (I couldn't do anything about it)"  OH MY GOD I AM STILL LAUGHING  And then finally I say, "I think I'm scared of Grey's Anatomy and how it's going to make me feel. I feel like if I plunge in and watch it, I will be destroyed forever. I can't. I just.. can't." -- IT'S SO PATHETIC, I CANNOT COMPREHEND MYSELF HAHAHAHA!

I DON'T EVEN. I don't know, but yes, that conversation did actually happen. Not in those exact words, but that's the gist, basically. And I don't know why I'm posting this here for all of you to laugh at, but I just felt that it was so funny and ridiculous and pathetic that I needed to share it.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

Blogging and Facebook Couples

So, this new blog has been pretty good for me so far. I guess I should've figured out earlier that blogging this way (with actually paragraphs and updates) on Tumblr would never work. That's where I put my crazy fangirl self, and this is where I'm going to blog. Like, forealz. I'll probably try and post my old blog entries from Tumblr some other time, but that can wait. I guess I rule out Tumblr as a blog because for me it's more of a scrapbook, I guess? But that's just me. I reblog everything! Plus since Twitter, it's like, you basically update that anyway so people know what you've been doing or whatever. Am I right?

Anyway, the last blog I truly remember keeping up for quite some time was when I was on Xanga. Man, Xanga was the bomb. All those quotes and icons and stuff? The best. Sometimes I wish I didn't delete my Xanga accounts just so I can laugh so hard at myself for being the 12-13 girl that I dislike on Tumblr.  I just LOL. (that sentence was annoying) I barely remember what I wrote there because I think my posts were basically 3 paragraph tweets. Seriously. I would explain everything I did that day, one by one, which is so annoying because I would blog as if people cared what kind of pizza my friends and I ate on a hot summer day or whatever. Not that people care now or anything, but you know, it was pretty bad.

Speaking of blogging, a friend of mine told me that he probably would think about it before dating a blogger because she might blog about their entire relationship for everyone to see. And I'm like, "Okay, yeah. That makes sense." But I don't know. Is it that any different from those annoying updates couples post/share or whatever on Facebook? Like those, "Dude, we get it. You guys are fighting." or "Y'all should just text or IM or talk on the phone, okay? We don't need to know that cheesy baby talk thing you guys apparently do!" Don't get me wrong, some couples do this dance very well, so it's not annoying. Those types of couples get more if a, "WELP. THAT SHIT WAS CUTE. #foreveralone," reaction which is the good kind of annoying. Maybe. I'll get back to you on that.

There's probably a Date a Girl Who Blogs article out there somewhere, but I'm too tired to Google it. You guys can just update me if one actually exists. I actually don't know why we like to blog about our lives. People with very interesting lives, sure, but not-so-interesting people like me? I don't know. I guess we just have a lot of feelings and having journals aren't enough. Meh. But whatever, I'm still going to write about things that matter to me, or don't. I mean, obviously it matters to me because I wouldn't blog about it if it didn't. Actually, it can go both ways. If something is really, really important to me, I either blog about it 'til the ends of the internet or not blog about it at all because I want to keep it for myself. Which I admit, I'm not very good at. I've always been one of those people who always need to say what they feel because if I don't, I would really lose it. That's done me good and bad. C'est la vie.

Last Week

.... was one of the best I've had in a while.

✓ CSA friends
✓ Beer
✓ Perks of Being a Wallflower
✓ Tea time
✓ More CSA friends
✓ DLM shoot
✓ Basketball
✓ Football
✓ Molave friends

It was a bit crazy and that's why I was really tired, but it was the good kind of tired. The happy kind. It has never happened that I actually spent time with both my CSA friends and Molave friends equally in a span of more or less 7 days. Best way to end September. It's already October and I can feel the time creeping up to Christmas.

Sorry, I'm Not Sorry

Last night I had some of my old friends over, old friends whom I've spent 90% of my time with during my most formative years, and we just talked the night away. Always my kind of night. We haven't been together in a room in a really really long time, and I found myself just letting it sink in because I've really missed the loudness when we're together. Life is so weird. 7 years ago, if you told me that we're going to be where we are now, I wouldn't have believed you. We probably would've laughed. Except maybe for Tim. I always knew that's where he was going to be, so at least there's that. 

Amidst all the talking and catching up, we somehow ended up looking at old photos that I had when were in grade school and high school and it was ridiculous how much pictures I had. Apparently, I have been dubbed "the treasure chest of memories" or something like that. I have pictures on my wall, my boxes, my Multiply account, basically everywhere and I never delete them or throw them out because, I mean, who would do that? Not me, obviously. I am a memory hoarder.

True enough, out of all my friends, I think I was always the one with the camera. I've always had this urge to document everything, big or small, just because I never want to forget. I like looking at photos and remembering that day/night, and more than that, remembering what it felt to be there. Participating. (Sorry, still not over Perks) But I mean, isn't that why we take pictures? I like looking at old photos and being transported back in time. I guess that's my thing. I have lots of "things," but I'm very particular about this one. I guess even back then I've always had the "this won't last forever" mantra or something and I'm glad because there will come a time that we're not going to be able to do this anymore. It'll become less and less over the years, and that's just life. It will eventually catch up. But in these pictures, we're always going to be there. It's always gonna be there to remind us that we did have nights like this and they were some of the best times we had together. It's just really nice to always be able to have that. Aren't you glad that I took/have those pictures? It's always an LOL moment with old photos, okay? ♡ 

"Some say that this is my fatal flaw but it is something I refuse to change. Because how sad is it, to dull that part of your humanness?"

This afternoon I read this article from Thought Catalog. It's about love and stuff, but that quote above just really stood out and hit home. All these years I always get shit about being so emotionally invested, and for the longest time I was lead to believe that it was a bad thing. Only recently did I realize that it's actually not. Sure, I'm just a bit more (okay maybe a lot more) emotional about these things, but whatever, man. I love us. It's what I feel. It's every bit as real as yours, it's just that I'm more vocal with it. But that's fine, you don't have to say anything. I'm okay with being the one who always says it out loud for us.

10 Things I Should've Learned By Now

A few months back I was exposed to the beautiful art of spoken word poetry, and I stumbled upon Sarah Kay. That night, all I did was watch all the spoken word poetry I could until I fell asleep. The next day, I decided to gather up my courage and email this wonderful lady that has truly put a dent in the way I think and see things. Perspective. I sent an email thanking her for that and asking her if she could give me lists to maybe jumpstart on a writing session or something (writing lists is something she does when she makes drafts of a poem). I never thought she would reply because 1. she was on holiday at the time and 2. she probably gets 100+ emails a day. I just had to tell her that she had reached me and I was contented.

After a day or two, I saw that I had gotten an email from her. I couldn't quite believe it. She wrote me a lovely email and gave me book suggestions and lists to do. I've never actually done any of her given lists, so I thought since I'm starting this new blog for writing purposes, I'd go ahead and just start making them. First of five. Just so you know, this is going to be nothing like spoken word poetry. They're just lists. Maybe.

10 Things I Should've Learned By Now

1. Food somehow tastes better when you're at someone else's house.
2. Life doesn't stop for anyone.
3. The things you want to change never do, and the things you don't, always do.
4. It's not as bad as it seems. You can always try again tomorrow.
5. Buying books in bulk will resort to book hoarding.
6. Sincerely asking people, "So, how are you?" after a couple of shots gets you a pretty honest and decent answer.
7. You will always regret that shot of tequila in the morning.
8. There will always be crap days that could be turned into a good writing session.
9. Your head is there to fight with your heart. All the time. Those feelings you're feeling right now? Sleep it off. 2 am onwards is not an advisable time to tweet/blog ridiculous emotional things because it's 2 am and the feelings take over the world for the next 3 hours. You can feel them all around you, hovering like Dementors wanting to take your soul. Ignore them until you get some sleep. It won't matter as much tomorrow.
10. How to bake a cake. (I seriously should've learned this by now.)

Yeah. That's all I can think of right now. How fascinating.

Write About Us

I can only count by my fingers the days when I can truly say that it was perfect. And today was one of them. Days like this don't come around very often. The days when you wake up and feel like it's going to be a good day and it really was.

I watched Perks of Being a Wallflower with my favorite people today. There is honestly no other set of people in this world that I would watch it with for the first time (and yes, I will watch it again and again). We've been looking forward to this since we found out that the book was being turned into a movie. When I found out that it was going to  be directed, produced and written by Stephen Chbosky, the author of the book, I knew it was going to be just fine. And true enough, it was perfect.

"I know there are people who say all these things don't happen, and there are people who forget what it's like to be sixteen when they turn seventeen. I know these will all be stories someday and our pictures will become old photographs, we'll all become somebody's mom or dad. But right now these moments are not stories, this is happening. I can see it, this one moment when you know you're not a sad story. You are alive. And you stand up and you see the lights in the buildings and everything that makes you wonder, and you're listening to that song in that drive with the people you love most in this world. And in this moment, I swear, we are infinite."

_______________________

The movie was not more or less, it was as it should be. Just like that. I'm pretty sure I'm a bit biased because I've read and re-read the book a couple of times and I feel like I really know these people. I feel like they are my friends and I am a part of their world. Logan is my Charlie, Emma is my Sam, and Ezra is my Patrick. PERFECTION. I can't even explain. The way they embodied all the characters in this movie is just the way it was meant to be. I think the Aunt Helen parts would be strange to the people who haven't read the book, but to me it was just as it should be. The music was perfect. If I was to change one thing in the movie it's probably the addition of Landslide (aka one of my favorite songs ever). I kept waiting for it but it never came. I understood that it didn't really fit in the "infinite" part, but I wish they still put it in there somewhere. Maybe when Charlie was saying goodbye to Sam or something. But anyway! That's just one tiny, tiny thing and it's not really a big deal. I don't think I'll ever be able to fully explain my feelings while watching this movie because... How do you explain the feeling of falling in love and feeling infinite at the same time? I don't know. The only thing I know is that that's how great, simple movies should make you feel.

Another thing I know for a fact is that being able to find people that are perfect for you is a rare gift. Rarely do you find people who just get you without even needing to explain yourself because they just know. There weren't a lot of words about Perks while we were having tea because we all knew it. We all felt it. The best we could do was hold hands during that last scene (which was perfect) and replay Patrick's killer lines. Oh my god, the movie was so good. Surround yourself with people who make you feel infinite, and everything is going to be okay.

I Wish I Knew You

I want so badly to tear down your walls. I want to know you. I want to know you better than anyone else. I want to know everything about you. Okay, maybe not everything and maybe not better than everyone else, but I want to know you. After all these years you would think I already do, but I actually don’t. And that makes sense because it’s not like we see each other on a regular basis, but I wish we did. Proximity. 

Honestly though, who does? Is there actually a person out there who knows you? I’m not talking about your name, or your major, or who your brothers and sisters are, I’m talking about the real you. The you when nobody’s around. The you when you’re alone, listening to whatever it is you listen to. I wish I knew. And if there was a person out there who does know you, I’m jealous.

And it’s not like this jealousy involves romantic feelings or whatever, I just really wish I knew you. I wish I knew things no one else did. I wish we had little secrets that you and I shared. I wish I knew why you’re so closed off from people. It’s weird because on the surface you look so normal, but if there’s one thing I know about you it’s that you don’t actually let people in. And people don’t really see that because you’re always there. You’re always participating. I wonder what you do when you’re not out and partying participating. I wonder what you think about randomly. I wonder what your interests are aside from the obvious sports. Do you read books? Maybe not. But if you did, I wonder what kind of books you’d like. What do you think about the world? If could go to another place entirely, where would you go? What do your hopes and dreams consist of? What are your goals? What are your opinions on recycling and plastic? Do you like Scrabble? Would you be up to play a game of Scrabble with me? Do you like tea? What’s your favorite food? What’s your favorite thing to cook? What’s your favorite kind of chocolate; dark, milk or white? What’s your favorite holiday? What’s your family’s Christmas routine? Is your family close? How many brothers and sisters do you have? What are your parents like? What street games did you play when you were growing up? What about PlayStation, what games do you play on that? What’s your favorite color? What kind of music do you like? And don’t tell me “everything” because that’s crap. I want a real answer. I want to know the most embarrassing song you have on your iTunes that you secretly really love. I want to know your favorite tv shows and your favorite movies and why. I want to know all that. You know, basic stuff.

I want us to be like Ted and Robin. You probably don’t watch that show, but that’s how I can picture us minus the dating part. I want to be your wingwoman and I want you to be my wingman. I want to be the one you talk to about girls (no, not like that. get your guy friends for that. i’ll be here for the “feelings” part). I want to have you there if I don’t understand some of that guy stuff or if a guy is being an ass to me, you’ll be there to put him off. I kinda want us to go searching for great unknown restaurants and just eat our faces off. I want to be able tell you when you’re being a super douchebag and I want you to tell me if I’m being a super annoying emotional girly bitch (which I’ll admit I am 99% of the time, so just deal with it). I want us to be able to call each other out on our shit without having hard feelings.

I want to know the way your mind works. I want us to have one of those moments where I just look at you and you immediately get it. I want to be able to give you presents that you’d actually like. I want to make you mixtapes. I want you to feel appreciated. I don’t know why, but I get the feeling that you’re not being appreciated enough. I mean, sure, you can be an ass sometimes, but you’re a pretty decent person and I like being around you. It’s fun. I just really, really wish I knew more about you because I feel like I should have already. I want to know things about you because I kinda want to be your best friend, but I’ll never admit it. I want to be the one you text when you see something funny or if your favorite team made the playoffs or whatever, and even though I won’t get it, I’d say “that’s nice,” and you’ll know that I really mean it that it’s nice to be the one you tell the little things to. 

 I think about it sometimes and I always end up thinking that we could’ve easily been best friends if things were different. We’re different people now, so I guess now we’ll never know. Just know that whoever ends up knowing these things about you and more is one lucky girl. Not just because she has you, but because she’ll have me, too. 

Think about it. Let’s say all of this is actually real. I know almost everything about you, and assuming I like this girl whom you’re with (which is kinda a big deal because obvs I should know if she’s nice and whatever), she’ll have me to bitch about you and I’ll be there to tell her that you’re just having an emotional breakdown and you’ll snap out of it eventually. She’ll know that I can bring you back to your senses. It won’t drive her crazy as much because if I can put up with your shit, so can she. And if I don’t like her (not without the lack of trying), then I’m sure we can do something about that. Win win.

But alas, that is not the case, so I guess I’ll just always wonder if that version of us exists in another universe.