The Story Of Us.

I like being the steady friend who takes care of the things that need to be taken cared of whenever we have “grown up” gatherings (aka when things need to be planned out). I am always that girl, and I love being that for them. It makes me feel important. 

I like being the steady friend that they can go to when they just want to chill out and talk. I think everyone needs one in their set of friends, or at least one in their lives. Everyone needs some kind of solid foundation. I’m not saying that I’m the super innocent “never did anything bad” friend, it’s just that my friends are super out there that I look so boring compared to them, but I don’t mind. I let them do their thing, and I will just be watching on the sidelines and wait for them to live out the phase and I cannot wait til they get tired of going out every week and just settle down a bit. I will be patiently waiting because I’m Aia and I will always believe that everything will fall into place at the right time when it’s supposed to. But for right now, this is us and it is just as it should be.

We will continue to grow up and old together. I know this now. This might be as naive as it gets, but as time goes by, I become more sure of us. I was sure that around this time, I would completely lose touch with them, but the latter part of this year has been so great and I think it was important that it happened. The distance that happens in between is inevitable and necessary. And even though we will be seeing less of each other as time goes by, we will always have these moments that will bring us back to what brought us together in the first place. This is what I have with them and I will always keep it in my heart. And even though it seems that I’m the only one who feels this way about us, I don’t mind because I know they do too, just in their own way. We will never talk about this, and that's okay. I choose to write about it and they choose to live it. This is what makes us us and I love it.

I know I always say that I miss them more than they miss me, and that’s still true, but I choose not to mind. I refuse to miss them less just because they don’t miss me. I love us and I always will. I will always be writing about us. I think I’ve written about us more than I wanted to and it always says the same things, just in a different era of our lives. Well, my life, to be exact. I’ve written about us when I was depressed, when I was happy, and when I was with them living in the moment, just being there and participating. I have written about us when I missed them dearly and briefly regretted it after because I know that it was just me being sad and left out. But as we get older, I’ve learned to understand that no one will ever be the perfect friend/s. I have come to realize that they also have a life that they live that doesn’t involve you at all. They may and will forget you sometimes (most of the time), but they won’t forget about you when it counts. You won’t always be there during the nights when they said that it was the “best,” but the great thing about us is that there will always be another “best” night to come. This happens often since we’re such a big group, but this time around, I don’t mind.

I will love us always. I will always choose to love the distance when we’re apart and I will continue to love us when we’re together again. I will always be overdramatic about this. I refuse to feel less. I will always write about us and the moments that we felt horrible and infinite at the same time waiting for the sun to come up.

This will be the story of our lives and it’s still happening. Things will change and people will too, just like they should. Because what kind of story would that be if nothing changed at all?

Dear You,

I'm pretty sure I'll always ask myself why we're friends. Or how we even became friends. I don't even remember the exact moment this happened, but it did. To this day I really don't know how we ended up here, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

You might not be the friend who I hang out with every weekend, and you're definitely not my "let's get lost in a bookstore" friend. You might not be the friend I call or text when little things happen and you're not the friend I talk to on a regular basis, but at the end of the day it doesn't really matter. You will always be the friend I can talk to after 5 years of not seeing each other and it's not going to be awkward in any way. I really believe that. And I think it works that way because we're so different yet we're the same. We live very different lives, and apart from the obvious, we have very different friends that will not survive in the same room together, yet somehow, we do.

I like that we balance each other out. I like that we will never run out of stories to tell because you're you and I'm me. I'll always be the friend you hang out with if you wanna have a chill night. "Coffee conversations" or whatever. And you're the one I always wanna catch up with because I never know what you're up to. I just realized that through the years, you taught me how to be less judgemental and very judgemental at the same time. I know that doesn't make a lot of sense, but it does. Think about it for a second.

Off topic, I just rummaged through my "box" and read some of our letters and they are still funny. Whatever happens, I know that we're going to be the same because once upon a time it was us against the world, and they were definitely some of the greatest moments, some of my favorites, and I will treasure them forever.

I love you always,

Aia

Clingy.

I noticed that I would always say that my world was very small. "It's not like I meet new people on a regular basis," is something I find myself saying frequently. And it's true that I get annoyed by that fact because I generally like people, and new friends are always welcome. But the truth is, I like that my world is small. Most days.

I like the fact that I only have two sets of friends. I like that I know exactly who the people in my life are and what to expect or not. I like that I grew up with them in more ways than one. I like that I don't have to split my time with too many people, I just split it with those two. Obviously, I am very much invested in them. You don't spend your time growing up with them and just push it aside. Too much history. Sure, there'll be off days and distance and life all that stuff, but you can look at it however you wish, you're still stuck with them. This is it. For better or worse. Stuck in a good way. Most of the time, anyway.

I write this now because I don't have anything else to do, and when that happens I get sucked into these stupid girl feelings which are the worst ever. I write this now because separation anxiety is kicking in and it's never good when it does. I write this now because I care. Not that they don't care, I'm sure they do too, it's just that I care... a lot. Like, a lot a lot. I care the most. Maybe. Yeah, probably. Whatever. I won't apologize for it because I tried doing that, and it didn't help at all. It took me years, but I've accepted that I am hardwired this way and there is nothing I can do about it. I'll always be that person. I'll always try hard not to look like it, and I might even lie about it, but I'll always care. I'll always be the one wondering about how everyone is doing and if they're doing okay. I probably won't always be the one to ask if they're okay, so sometimes I wait for them to come talk to me. Sometimes. And I don't ask just 'cause. I ask because I'm curious and I care, okay? I really do.

I write this now because I miss people. I'll always be the one to miss everyone. Sometimes I feel like it's my job. It's a secret (not so secret now) job that I love and hate just because I always end up back here. It's become a little too familiar now. And for some reason, these days it's a bit taboo to just say "I miss you" to someone without sounding so clingy and ridiculous. It seems ridiculous because, duh, there's Twitter now and Facebook and Instagram and all these social networks that are supposed to let you know what they're doing with their lives. That's nice that you had that for lunch and all, but I still miss you. It's nice that you wore that outfit today, but I still miss you. It's nice that you're bored in class right now, but I still miss you. 

Gahh, I hate it. I hate being that person, but alas, here we are. Clingy.

I write this now because I am the worst over thinker in the world. All those things I just said are probably so ridiculous because obviously, these people have lives to live! They don't care about this stuff. They don't have time to think about it. I, on the other hand, do. I have lots of it. Time and I haven't been the best of friends. I always over think everything and it gets exhausting sometimes. I constantly have to remind myself that all of this should just be simple, and yet I always find myself back here. Sometimes I don't mind because I've gotten used to it, but nights like tonight suck.

Stupid girl feelings.

12 Things For Christmas

Lol, what a clever title. I'm writing this entry because I realize that I keep saying "I want this for Christmas" during the year and then never remembering when I'm actually about to go shopping or if someone asks haha. Whatevs. Go!

1. Taylor Swift CD/DVDs. This lady is my inner most girly girl spirit animal. She gets me. I want to be best friends with her and bake cupcakes and talk about feelings. Fearless DVD or Speak Now CD/DVD would be just lovely!

2. Harry Potter 'Page To Screen' book. I keep telling myself I'm getting this book, but I never do. It's MASSIVE. I keep hoping maybe someone would be kind enough to gift it to me, but it's pretty steep, so I guess I'll be accepting Fully Booked gift certificates hihi.

3. All About Me by Philipp Keel. I skimmed though this book really fast, like just the first few pages, and I immediately said that I needed it. It's this book where you list down things about yourself. Not that anyone cares, but you know, it might be useful one day. Like, "Tell me a little bit about yourself." and then I just hand over that book. Easy as pie.

4. Bobbi Brown / Benefit foundation. BEST. I need it. I strongly feel that you just need a really good foundation and you're set. I use a $2 / Php 80 drugstore blush and it works just fine.

5. Blackberry Curve 9220 casing. Because mine sucks so bad and it's so hard to find a good solid casing. Can't wait to get back on an iPhone.

6. iPhone. I miss my iPhone :( A 4S would be lovely. Not really sold on iPhone 5, but if I get enough money by the time the next new iPhone comes out, then I'll go for that instead haha.

7. Mixtapes. I love getting mixtapes. I love finding out what my friends listen to, it says so much about them. I feel like I'm getting to know them on another level or something.

8. Instax Mini. Been wanting you foreverrrrr. My wall is calling you.

9. Handwritten letters. -- “I've been thinking about letters recently. The real kind, long hand. And how terrible it is that nobody's writing them any more."-- handwritten letters or just even notes are always the best for me. It just is.

10. Wallet. I want a new wallet. The one I have now is too big and bulky.

11.  Dark Chocolate Mint M&Ms. Just because dark chocolate and mint are my favorite favorite combination. Do they have dark mint chocolate cakes? Omg.

12. Anything American Football or Southern or Country. I blame Friday Night Lights for this. I mean, I've always liked Country music and Southern things because it has this "home" vibe which I could never explain to people, but when I watched FNL, game over. I am on board with all of it. Southern living, the lovely houses, all of it. Especially football. First and foremost, I am not a big sports girl. I don't have a team, obviously, but never have I ever researched so much about a sport that's not even played here in the PH. I actually spent an entire day just reading up on the rules, all the positions, the terms (I had to differentiate a kick off from a punt and I didn't know what the hell "2nd and 10" meant), all of it! It just really sucks that they don't show the NFL here, so I just get to watch The Big 12 & the Pacific 12 leagues. College ball is intense, and I don't even know the difference of those leagues. I only get to watch college games every Sunday morning (Saturday night in the States) and sometimes replays, but they rarely air those. I have to schedule the games on my phone. I don't even... whatever. So yeah, anything football for Christmas would be lovely.

And yes, world. I am well aware that it's only November. In the Philippines, Christmas is kind of a big deal. We have this thing we call the "ber" months which starts on September 1st. It's when we start counting down the days 'til Christmas. I am pretty sure we're the only ones who do this. Apparently, we love our Christmas.

To My Future Person.

Today I spent the evening with my family. And by family I mean almost all of my cousins and aunts and uncles. I love spending quality time there at my aunt's place. It's one of the few places I feel comfortable in the exact meaning of the word. I mean, it's just not the house itself, it's all of us being there. It's one of those moments that I really take in and I say to myself, this is family. There is always food. Always. Little (but not so little anymore) kids run around and the mahjong table is always mandatory whatever the occasion. Sometimes there are board games, but mostly it's just talking, coffee, mahjong and eating.

Earlier tonight while I was waiting for my turn in Scrabble, one of my aunts started playing the piano and then a cousin of mine played after her. While they were playing the piano, I had this wallflower moment where I just looked around. There wasn't really much going on other than the usual, but I just thought that this was really, really nice. And then I thought about your family. I wonder what you all do when you're just hanging out. What your idea of fun was. Do any of your cousins or aunts or uncles play the piano? Or maybe the guitar? Is your family as dorky as my family? Probably not. My aunts and uncles play old tagalog movie / showbiz trivias almost every Christmas and it's so silly, I don't even understand any of it, but it's one of my favorite things to watch. It's as dorky as it gets. I wondered what kind of gatherings you had as a family and if you had a staple food that you all eat during Noche Buena or whatever. I know this is all so silly, but I couldn't help thinking about it. I have these random moments sometimes. It's weird, I know. I'm just hardwired that way.

I guess I'll never really stop thinking about how you are when you're with your family because I am close with mine and it's important to me that you value yours as well. I like the idea of being in one of your family gatherings and talking to your aunts or uncles and slowly figuring out why you are the way you are, why you think the way you do, where you got those certain mannerisms from, and whatever else you might've gotten from them. I mean, I know those kinds of things are often overlooked these days, and they might be so simple, but I just feel so strongly about it. I'm not quite sure why.

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this right now. I guess I will always be that girl.

I’d like my relationship to be like a Taylor Swift song.

I know, I know. What a stupid thing to say. But the sad part is I’m not kidding. Maybe.

I mean, sure, maybe in the end it’s gonna be a contest of who can act like they care less, and maybe I’ll end up okay, but not being fine at all. And maybe I’ll end up not knowing how to be something you miss, but I probably wouldn’t mind ending up like that just so I can have screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain. Having slamming screen doors and your laugh as our song because it’s the best sound I have ever heard.

I’d like to meet you on a Wednesday, in a cafe, and watch it begin again. Have myself think that it’s strange that you think I’m funny because he never did. I’ll never see you coming, and all I’ll feel in my stomach is butterflies; the beautiful kind. I won’t be able to decide if getting swept away is a choice, but I’m sure that day is going to end with me blushing all the way home because I was so enchanted to meet you.

I’d like to jump then fall. Have you pull me in and be a little more brave. Be fearless. You will smile that beautiful smile and I will look into your eyes and have it feel like coming home. It was the best day and it’s going to be the start of our ridiculous love story. All you have to do is just say yes.

I know it’s never gonna be simple or easy. We’ll have our crazy fights and I’ll always brace myself for goodbyes. And I might tell you that we’re never ever getting back together, but I’ll always go back when time stood still and I had you. It's going to be like the movies where you’ll be on the other side of the door because you know that we’re the lucky ones, and you’ll make me realize it. I’ll think that we’ve made quite a mess, but I’ll always stay because I’ll always go back to the day that we met and the sparks flew instantly. I remember it all too well.

And then maybe someday you’ll tell me that every time you look at me it feels like the first time and that I’m the best thing that’s ever been yours. The water’s going to be rough, but this love is brave and wild, and it’s ours. It’s going to be the golden age of something good and right and real.

It might drive me crazier, but this is why I want my life to be like a Taylor Swift song.

In Case You Were Wondering

In case you were wondering, life has been pretty good lately. I've been having great weekends all in a row and you weren't involved.

In case you were wondering, I'm still a bit pissed off and you're still not fully forgiven.

In case you were wondering, my feelings have been a bit all over the place more than usual, and no, I do not appreciate being ignored in my time of dire need. Especially by you. And it's not that I don't get it because I do. All I ask is a little bit of effort because I'm so tired of being the one who cares so much. And it's not like I blame you for my caring too much, you know I'm wired this way, I'm just saying that it gets so tiring.

In case you were wondering, and this is if you didn't already know, I shut down when it gets too much. I miss you, but lately I don't miss you as much anymore and that scares me a little bit. Being with everyone else is making that a lot easier to do now.

And just in case you were wondering, I'm scared that I'm slowly getting used to the idea of not needing you or not having you there, but lately it's looking that way.

I knew something eventually had to give, but I never thought it was gonna be you.