Friday, September 28, 2012

Sorry, I'm Not Sorry


Last night I had some of my old friends over, old friends whom I've spent 90% of my time with during my most formative years, and we just talked the night away. Always my kind of night. We haven't been together in a room in a really really long time, and I found myself just letting it sink in because I've really missed the loudness when we're together. Life is so weird. 7 years ago, if you told me that we're going to be where we are now, I wouldn't have believed you. We probably would've laughed. Except maybe for Tim. I always knew that's where he was going to be, so at least there's that. 

Amidst all the talking and catching up, we somehow ended up looking at old photos that I had when were in grade school and high school and it was ridiculous how much pictures I had. Apparently, I have been dubbed "the treasure chest of memories" or something like that. I have pictures on my wall, my boxes, my Multiply account, basically everywhere and I never delete them or throw them out because, I mean, who would do that? Not me, obviously. I am a memory hoarder.

True enough, out of all my friends, I think I was always the one with the camera. I've always had this urge to document everything, big or small, just because I never want to forget. I like looking at photos and remembering that day/night, and more than that, remembering what it felt to be there. Participating. (Sorry, still not over Perks) But I mean, isn't that why we take pictures? I like looking at old photos and being transported back in time. I guess that's my thing. I have lots of "things," but I'm very particular about this one. I guess even back then I've always had the "this won't last forever" mantra or something and I'm glad because there will come a time that we're not going to be able to do this anymore. It'll become less and less over the years, and that's just life. It will eventually catch up. But in these pictures, we're always going to be there. It's always gonna be there to remind us that we did have nights like this and they were some of the best times we had together. It's just really nice to always be able to have that. Aren't you glad that I took/have those pictures? It's always an LOL moment with old photos, okay? ♡ 

"Some say that this is my fatal flaw but it is something I refuse to change. Because how sad is it, to dull that part of your humanness?"

This afternoon I read this article from Thought Catalog. It's about love and stuff, but that quote above just really stood out and hit home. All these years I always get shit about being so emotionally invested, and for the longest time I was lead to believe that it was a bad thing. Only recently did I realize that it's actually not. Sure, I'm just a bit more (okay maybe a lot more) emotional about these things, but whatever, man. I love us. It's what I feel. It's every bit as real as yours, it's just that I'm more vocal with it. But that's fine, you don't have to say anything. I'm okay with being the one who always says it out loud for us.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

10 Things I Should've Learned By Now

A few months back I was exposed to the beautiful art of spoken word poetry, and I stumbled upon Sarah Kay. That night, all I did was watch all the spoken word poetry I could until I fell asleep. The next day, I decided to gather up my courage and email this wonderful lady that has truly put a dent in the way I think and see things. Perspective. I sent an email thanking her for that and asking her if she could give me lists to maybe jumpstart on a writing session or something (writing lists is something she does when she makes drafts of a poem). I never thought she would reply because 1. she was on holiday at the time and 2. she probably gets 100+ emails a day. I just had to tell her that she had reached me and I was contented.

After a day or two, I saw that I had gotten an email from her. I couldn't quite believe it. She wrote me a lovely email and gave me book suggestions and lists to do. I've never actually done any of her given lists, so I thought since I'm starting this new blog for writing purposes, I'd go ahead and just start making them. First of five. Just so you know, this is going to be nothing like spoken word poetry. They're just lists. Maybe.


10 Things I Should've Learned By Now

  1. Food somehow tastes better when you're at someone else's house.
  2. Life doesn't stop for anyone.
  3. The things you want to change never do, and the things you don't, always do.
  4. It's not as bad as it seems. You can always try again tomorrow.
  5. Buying books in bulk will resort to book hoarding.
  6. Sincerely asking people, "So, how are you?" after a couple of shots gets you a pretty honest and decent answer.
  7. You will always regret that shot of tequila in the morning.
  8. There will always be crap days that could be turned into a good writing session.
  9. Your head is there to fight with your heart. All the time. Those feelings you're feeling right now? Sleep it off. 2 am onwards is not an advisable time to tweet/blog ridiculous emotional things because it's 2 am and the feelings take over the world for the next 3 hours. You can feel them all around you, hovering like Dementors wanting to take your soul. Ignore them until you get some sleep. It won't matter as much tomorrow.
  10. How to bake a cake. (I seriously should've learned this by now.)

Yeah. That's all I can think of right now. How fascinating.

Write About Us

I can only count by my fingers the days when I can truly say that it was perfect. And today was one of them. Days like this don't come around very often. The days when you wake up and feel like it's going to be a good day and it really was.

I watched Perks of Being a Wallflower with my favorite people today. There is honestly no other set of people in this world that I would watch it with for the first time (and yes, I will watch it again and again). We've been looking forward to this since we found out that the book was being turned into a movie. When I found out that it was going to  be directed, produced and written by Stephen Chbosky, the author of the book, I knew it was going to be just fine. And true enough, it was perfect.


"I know there are people who say all these things don't happen, and there are people who forget what it's like to be sixteen when they turn seventeen. I know these will all be stories someday and our pictures will become old photographs, we'll all become somebody's mom or dad. But right now these moments are not stories, this is happening. I can see it, this one moment when you know you're not a sad story. You are alive. And you stand up and you see the lights in the buildings and everything that makes you wonder, and you're listening to that song in that drive with the people you love most in this world. And in this moment, I swear, we are infinite."

_______________________

The movie was not more or less, it was as it should be. Just like that. I'm pretty sure I'm a bit biased because I've read and re-read the book a couple of times and I feel like I really know these people. I feel like they are my friends and I am a part of their world. Logan is my Charlie, Emma is my Sam, and Ezra is my Patrick. PERFECTION. I can't even explain. The way they embodied all the characters in this movie is just the way it was meant to be. I think the Aunt Helen parts would be strange to the people who haven't read the book, but to me it was just as it should be. The music was perfect. If I was to change one thing in the movie it's probably the addition of Landslide (aka one of my favorite songs ever). I kept waiting for it but it never came. I understood that it didn't really fit in the "infinite" part, but I wish they still put it in there somewhere. Maybe when Charlie was saying goodbye to Sam or something. But anyway! That's just one tiny, tiny thing and it's not really a big deal. I don't think I'll ever be able to fully explain my feelings while watching this movie because... How do you explain the feeling of falling in love and feeling infinite at the same time? I don't know. The only thing I know is that that's how great, simple movies should make you feel.



Another thing I know for a fact is that being able to find people that are perfect for you is a rare gift. Rarely do you find people who just get you without even needing to explain yourself because they just know. There weren't a lot of words about Perks while we were having tea because we all knew it. We all felt it. The best we could do was hold hands during that last scene (which was perfect) and replay Patrick's killer lines. Oh my god, the movie was so good. Surround yourself with people who make you feel infinite, and everything is going to be okay.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

I Wish I Knew You


I want so badly to tear down your walls. I want to know you. I want to know you better than anyone else. I want to know everything about you. Okay, maybe not everything and maybe not better than everyone else, but I want to know you. After all these years you would think I already do, but I actually don’t. And that makes sense because it’s not like we see each other on a regular basis, but I wish we did. Proximity. 

Honestly though, who does? Is there actually a person out there who knows you? I’m not talking about your name, or your major, or who your brothers and sisters are, I’m talking about the real you. The you when nobody’s around. The you when you’re alone, listening to whatever it is you listen to. I wish I knew. And if there was a person out there who does know you, I’m jealous.

And it’s not like this jealousy involves romantic feelings or whatever, I just really wish I knew you. I wish I knew things no one else did. I wish we had little secrets that you and I shared. I wish I knew why you’re so closed off from people. It’s weird because on the surface you look so normal, but if there’s one thing I know about you it’s that you don’t actually let people in. And people don’t really see that because you’re always there. You’re always participating. I wonder what you do when you’re not out and partying participating. I wonder what you think about randomly. I wonder what your interests are aside from the obvious sports. Do you read books? Maybe not. But if you did, I wonder what kind of books you’d like. What do you think about the world? If could go to another place entirely, where would you go? What do your hopes and dreams consist of? What are your goals? What are your opinions on recycling and plastic? Do you like Scrabble? Would you be up to play a game of Scrabble with me? Do you like tea? What’s your favorite food? What’s your favorite thing to cook? What’s your favorite kind of chocolate; dark, milk or white? What’s your favorite holiday? What’s your family’s Christmas routine? Is your family close? How many brothers and sisters do you have? What are your parents like? What street games did you play when you were growing up? What about PlayStation, what games do you play on that? What’s your favorite color? What kind of music do you like? And don’t tell me “everything” because that’s crap. I want a real answer. I want to know the most embarrassing song you have on your iTunes that you secretly really love. I want to know your favorite tv shows and your favorite movies and why. I want to know all that. You know, basic stuff.

I want us to be like Ted and Robin. You probably don’t watch that show, but that’s how I can picture us minus the dating part. I want to be your wingwoman and I want you to be my wingman. I want to be the one you talk to about girls (no, not like that. get your guy friends for that. i’ll be here for the “feelings” part). I want to have you there if I don’t understand some of that guy stuff or if a guy is being an ass to me, you’ll be there to put him off. I kinda want us to go searching for great unknown restaurants and just eat our faces off. I want to be able tell you when you’re being a super douchebag and I want you to tell me if I’m being a super annoying emotional girly bitch (which I’ll admit I am 99% of the time, so just deal with it). I want us to be able to call each other out on our shit without having hard feelings.

I want to know the way your mind works. I want us to have one of those moments where I just look at you and you immediately get it. I want to be able to give you presents that you’d actually like. I want to make you mixtapes. I want you to feel appreciated. I don’t know why, but I get the feeling that you’re not being appreciated enough. I mean, sure, you can be an ass sometimes, but you’re a pretty decent person and I like being around you. It’s fun. I just really, really wish I knew more about you because I feel like I should have already. I want to know things about you because I kinda want to be your best friend, but I’ll never admit it. I want to be the one you text when you see something funny or if your favorite team made the playoffs or whatever, and even though I won’t get it, I’d say “that’s nice,” and you’ll know that I really mean it that it’s nice to be the one you tell the little things to. 

 I think about it sometimes and I always end up thinking that we could’ve easily been best friends if things were different. We’re different people now, so I guess now we’ll never know. Just know that whoever ends up knowing these things about you and more is one lucky girl. Not just because she has you, but because she’ll have me, too. 

Think about it. Let’s say all of this is actually real. I know almost everything about you, and assuming I like this girl whom you’re with (which is kinda a big deal because obvs I should know if she’s nice and whatever), she’ll have me to bitch about you and I’ll be there to tell her that you’re just having an emotional breakdown and you’ll snap out of it eventually. She’ll know that I can bring you back to your senses. It won’t drive her crazy as much because if I can put up with your shit, so can she. And if I don’t like her (not without the lack of trying), then I’m sure we can do something about that. Win win.

But alas, that is not the case, so I guess I’ll just always wonder if that version of us exists in another universe.