Clingy.

I noticed that I would always say that my world was very small. "It's not like I meet new people on a regular basis," is something I find myself saying frequently. And it's true that I get annoyed by that fact because I generally like people, and new friends are always welcome. But the truth is, I like that my world is small. Most days.

I like the fact that I only have two sets of friends. I like that I know exactly who the people in my life are and what to expect or not. I like that I grew up with them in more ways than one. I like that I don't have to split my time with too many people, I just split it with those two. Obviously, I am very much invested in them. You don't spend your time growing up with them and just push it aside. Too much history. Sure, there'll be off days and distance and life all that stuff, but you can look at it however you wish, you're still stuck with them. This is it. For better or worse. Stuck in a good way. Most of the time, anyway.

I write this now because I don't have anything else to do, and when that happens I get sucked into these stupid girl feelings which are the worst ever. I write this now because separation anxiety is kicking in and it's never good when it does. I write this now because I care. Not that they don't care, I'm sure they do too, it's just that I care... a lot. Like, a lot a lot. I care the most. Maybe. Yeah, probably. Whatever. I won't apologize for it because I tried doing that, and it didn't help at all. It took me years, but I've accepted that I am hardwired this way and there is nothing I can do about it. I'll always be that person. I'll always try hard not to look like it, and I might even lie about it, but I'll always care. I'll always be the one wondering about how everyone is doing and if they're doing okay. I probably won't always be the one to ask if they're okay, so sometimes I wait for them to come talk to me. Sometimes. And I don't ask just 'cause. I ask because I'm curious and I care, okay? I really do.

I write this now because I miss people. I'll always be the one to miss everyone. Sometimes I feel like it's my job. It's a secret (not so secret now) job that I love and hate just because I always end up back here. It's become a little too familiar now. And for some reason, these days it's a bit taboo to just say "I miss you" to someone without sounding so clingy and ridiculous. It seems ridiculous because, duh, there's Twitter now and Facebook and Instagram and all these social networks that are supposed to let you know what they're doing with their lives. That's nice that you had that for lunch and all, but I still miss you. It's nice that you wore that outfit today, but I still miss you. It's nice that you're bored in class right now, but I still miss you. 

Gahh, I hate it. I hate being that person, but alas, here we are. Clingy.

I write this now because I am the worst over thinker in the world. All those things I just said are probably so ridiculous because obviously, these people have lives to live! They don't care about this stuff. They don't have time to think about it. I, on the other hand, do. I have lots of it. Time and I haven't been the best of friends. I always over think everything and it gets exhausting sometimes. I constantly have to remind myself that all of this should just be simple, and yet I always find myself back here. Sometimes I don't mind because I've gotten used to it, but nights like tonight suck.

Stupid girl feelings.

12 Things For Christmas

Lol, what a clever title. I'm writing this entry because I realize that I keep saying "I want this for Christmas" during the year and then never remembering when I'm actually about to go shopping or if someone asks haha. Whatevs. Go!

1. Taylor Swift CD/DVDs. This lady is my inner most girly girl spirit animal. She gets me. I want to be best friends with her and bake cupcakes and talk about feelings. Fearless DVD or Speak Now CD/DVD would be just lovely!

2. Harry Potter 'Page To Screen' book. I keep telling myself I'm getting this book, but I never do. It's MASSIVE. I keep hoping maybe someone would be kind enough to gift it to me, but it's pretty steep, so I guess I'll be accepting Fully Booked gift certificates hihi.

3. All About Me by Philipp Keel. I skimmed though this book really fast, like just the first few pages, and I immediately said that I needed it. It's this book where you list down things about yourself. Not that anyone cares, but you know, it might be useful one day. Like, "Tell me a little bit about yourself." and then I just hand over that book. Easy as pie.

4. Bobbi Brown / Benefit foundation. BEST. I need it. I strongly feel that you just need a really good foundation and you're set. I use a $2 / Php 80 drugstore blush and it works just fine.

5. Blackberry Curve 9220 casing. Because mine sucks so bad and it's so hard to find a good solid casing. Can't wait to get back on an iPhone.

6. iPhone. I miss my iPhone :( A 4S would be lovely. Not really sold on iPhone 5, but if I get enough money by the time the next new iPhone comes out, then I'll go for that instead haha.

7. Mixtapes. I love getting mixtapes. I love finding out what my friends listen to, it says so much about them. I feel like I'm getting to know them on another level or something.

8. Instax Mini. Been wanting you foreverrrrr. My wall is calling you.

9. Handwritten letters. -- “I've been thinking about letters recently. The real kind, long hand. And how terrible it is that nobody's writing them any more."-- handwritten letters or just even notes are always the best for me. It just is.

10. Wallet. I want a new wallet. The one I have now is too big and bulky.

11.  Dark Chocolate Mint M&Ms. Just because dark chocolate and mint are my favorite favorite combination. Do they have dark mint chocolate cakes? Omg.

12. Anything American Football or Southern or Country. I blame Friday Night Lights for this. I mean, I've always liked Country music and Southern things because it has this "home" vibe which I could never explain to people, but when I watched FNL, game over. I am on board with all of it. Southern living, the lovely houses, all of it. Especially football. First and foremost, I am not a big sports girl. I don't have a team, obviously, but never have I ever researched so much about a sport that's not even played here in the PH. I actually spent an entire day just reading up on the rules, all the positions, the terms (I had to differentiate a kick off from a punt and I didn't know what the hell "2nd and 10" meant), all of it! It just really sucks that they don't show the NFL here, so I just get to watch The Big 12 & the Pacific 12 leagues. College ball is intense, and I don't even know the difference of those leagues. I only get to watch college games every Sunday morning (Saturday night in the States) and sometimes replays, but they rarely air those. I have to schedule the games on my phone. I don't even... whatever. So yeah, anything football for Christmas would be lovely.

And yes, world. I am well aware that it's only November. In the Philippines, Christmas is kind of a big deal. We have this thing we call the "ber" months which starts on September 1st. It's when we start counting down the days 'til Christmas. I am pretty sure we're the only ones who do this. Apparently, we love our Christmas.

To My Future Person.

Today I spent the evening with my family. And by family I mean almost all of my cousins and aunts and uncles. I love spending quality time there at my aunt's place. It's one of the few places I feel comfortable in the exact meaning of the word. I mean, it's just not the house itself, it's all of us being there. It's one of those moments that I really take in and I say to myself, this is family. There is always food. Always. Little (but not so little anymore) kids run around and the mahjong table is always mandatory whatever the occasion. Sometimes there are board games, but mostly it's just talking, coffee, mahjong and eating.

Earlier tonight while I was waiting for my turn in Scrabble, one of my aunts started playing the piano and then a cousin of mine played after her. While they were playing the piano, I had this wallflower moment where I just looked around. There wasn't really much going on other than the usual, but I just thought that this was really, really nice. And then I thought about your family. I wonder what you all do when you're just hanging out. What your idea of fun was. Do any of your cousins or aunts or uncles play the piano? Or maybe the guitar? Is your family as dorky as my family? Probably not. My aunts and uncles play old tagalog movie / showbiz trivias almost every Christmas and it's so silly, I don't even understand any of it, but it's one of my favorite things to watch. It's as dorky as it gets. I wondered what kind of gatherings you had as a family and if you had a staple food that you all eat during Noche Buena or whatever. I know this is all so silly, but I couldn't help thinking about it. I have these random moments sometimes. It's weird, I know. I'm just hardwired that way.

I guess I'll never really stop thinking about how you are when you're with your family because I am close with mine and it's important to me that you value yours as well. I like the idea of being in one of your family gatherings and talking to your aunts or uncles and slowly figuring out why you are the way you are, why you think the way you do, where you got those certain mannerisms from, and whatever else you might've gotten from them. I mean, I know those kinds of things are often overlooked these days, and they might be so simple, but I just feel so strongly about it. I'm not quite sure why.

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this right now. I guess I will always be that girl.