I’d like my relationship to be like a Taylor Swift song.

I know, I know. What a stupid thing to say. But the sad part is I’m not kidding. Maybe.

I mean, sure, maybe in the end it’s gonna be a contest of who can act like they care less, and maybe I’ll end up okay, but not being fine at all. And maybe I’ll end up not knowing how to be something you miss, but I probably wouldn’t mind ending up like that just so I can have screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain. Having slamming screen doors and your laugh as our song because it’s the best sound I have ever heard.

I’d like to meet you on a Wednesday, in a cafe, and watch it begin again. Have myself think that it’s strange that you think I’m funny because he never did. I’ll never see you coming, and all I’ll feel in my stomach is butterflies; the beautiful kind. I won’t be able to decide if getting swept away is a choice, but I’m sure that day is going to end with me blushing all the way home because I was so enchanted to meet you.

I’d like to jump then fall. Have you pull me in and be a little more brave. Be fearless. You will smile that beautiful smile and I will look into your eyes and have it feel like coming home. It was the best day and it’s going to be the start of our ridiculous love story. All you have to do is just say yes.

I know it’s never gonna be simple or easy. We’ll have our crazy fights and I’ll always brace myself for goodbyes. And I might tell you that we’re never ever getting back together, but I’ll always go back when time stood still and I had you. It's going to be like the movies where you’ll be on the other side of the door because you know that we’re the lucky ones, and you’ll make me realize it. I’ll think that we’ve made quite a mess, but I’ll always stay because I’ll always go back to the day that we met and the sparks flew instantly. I remember it all too well.

And then maybe someday you’ll tell me that every time you look at me it feels like the first time and that I’m the best thing that’s ever been yours. The water’s going to be rough, but this love is brave and wild, and it’s ours. It’s going to be the golden age of something good and right and real.

It might drive me crazier, but this is why I want my life to be like a Taylor Swift song.

In Case You Were Wondering

In case you were wondering, life has been pretty good lately. I've been having great weekends all in a row and you weren't involved.

In case you were wondering, I'm still a bit pissed off and you're still not fully forgiven.

In case you were wondering, my feelings have been a bit all over the place more than usual, and no, I do not appreciate being ignored in my time of dire need. Especially by you. And it's not that I don't get it because I do. All I ask is a little bit of effort because I'm so tired of being the one who cares so much. And it's not like I blame you for my caring too much, you know I'm wired this way, I'm just saying that it gets so tiring.

In case you were wondering, and this is if you didn't already know, I shut down when it gets too much. I miss you, but lately I don't miss you as much anymore and that scares me a little bit. Being with everyone else is making that a lot easier to do now.

And just in case you were wondering, I'm scared that I'm slowly getting used to the idea of not needing you or not having you there, but lately it's looking that way.

I knew something eventually had to give, but I never thought it was gonna be you.

Have Tea With Me

Coffee, tea, whatever. 

Having coffee or tea with someone I love to talk to is one of my favorite things. I love the idea that you can just sit there for hours talking about anything and everything, or maybe nothing at all and just sit in comfortable silence. I love it.

I also love the idea of breakfast. I’m never up early enough to actually have breakfast, (unless it’s a pre-scheduled date and I’m actually willing to wake up that early for you) but on regular days it’s always brunch, which is also great, but I really like breakfast. Having breakfast with someone is basically starting your day with them, and I think that’s lovely.

I’d like to think that I'll end up a with a foodie someday. I love people who love food and love discovering new hidden restaurants with yummy food and things like that. Someone I can go on a quest for the best red velvet and cheesecake in the Metro with, or someone who can go wine tasting with me even though we don’t really know jack about wine. I love wine, I just can’t tell distinct differences. I’d love to know how.

Or maybe someone who likes to go to museums, and not ironically to make fun of people who do. Someone who genuinely likes to go to museums. Or at least someone who would be up for it. Not like I have any artistic credibility or anything, I just like looking at beautiful things and appreciating the work that the artist has put into it. Or just for educational purposes because learning new things is cool. I was one of those kids who loved going to museums during field trips while everyone else was bored.

Come with me, let’s go do boring things together.

21 Reasons Why We Don't Work

1. I quite like getting lost in books and you don't understand why. 
2. I like theater, and you can't be bothered with anything musical.
3. It's like you purposely don't like to look good. I mean, really. Put a little bit of effort.
4. You don't understand Twitter. (yeaaah, sometimes I don't too)
5. You think Hanson and boy bands are stupid. WELL... no. Piss off.
6. You are too headstrong sometimes, and so am I. 
7. I'm not a big fan of ketchup, so we can never share a burger because you will murder it. Why don't you like mustard? Mustard is good. Mustard is safe. Mustard > Ketchup.
8. You like to play with people's feelings, which I think isn't very nice. 
9. The things I can't do, you can, but you just won't and it pisses me off so much. 
10. You're stuck in the past, and sometimes I am too. Let's just move on already.
11. I would just rather stay at home and hang out with a few friends.
12. I like discovering beautiful things and when I do, you're just... "MEH."
13. We have different tastes in music and we can't just agree to disagree.
14. You're not much of a "feelings" person, which is fine, I've accepted it. But it's still nice to hear it sometimes.
15. I'm too emotional sometimes.
16. I don't tell you what's wrong.
17. You're jaded.
18. I'm clingy.
19. We don't talk.
20. I would like to go places and you don't. You want to stay wherever it's comfortable and I can't do that. I mean, I can, but if given a choice, I don't think I will. I'd rather be challenged to get the best out of me and then settle down comfortably after I learn things about myself and the world. 
21. You settle and I always want more.

At the end of the day, I will always be the dreamer and you will always be the realist. You are all the things that I am not, and that is why we work.

TV Shows and Feelings

Last night me and some girl friends, like the old ladies we are, spent the night playing Scrabble and Monopoly Deal, drinking tea and talked about feelings and stuff until 4 in the morning. Yup. On a Wednesday. See how badass we are? Of all the things we talked about last night, this is probably my favorite funny moment.

Now, if you know me or if you follow me on Tumblr or Twitter, you would absolutely know that I am a fangirl. I mean, I don't write fanfictions and stuff, but I'm pretty emotionally invested. I'm a lot invested, actually. I don't know. Just... feelings. Harry Potter and my tv shows get most of it. Occasionally Taylor Swift, but that's besides the point. You guys obviously know this because your timeline would be filled with my feelings when I watch my tv shows. I'm sure you hate me when I do that, but sorry, I'm not sorry.

Anyway, on to my story. My friend Lauren just finished watching the first season of Friday Night Lights so we started talking about it, and by talking I mean going back and forth with our favorite scenes and lines with little squeals in between. And the annoying sap that I am, I get emotional when I talk about my tv shows. Always. Especially when it's One Tree Hill, Dawson's Creek, The OC, and the most recent addition, Friday Night Lights. I have more tv shows, but these are my heart crushing, emotion-filled, turn-my-world-upside down shows. So yeah, we were talking about it and then I started talking about my tv shows as if they were my past relationships. IT WAS SO RIDICULOUS, YOU GUYS! I'M LAUGHING AS I'M TYPING THIS IN ALL CAPS!

I was all, "Yeah, 'cause One Tree Hill will always be my first great love."--still laughing while I'm typing this, fyi-- but it's true! That show saved my life multiple times. Just... ugh. That show will always have a special place in my heart. I am that show's bitch. I literally cried in a fetal position when I watched the series finale. Moving on, it went to "I have all these feelings for Friday Night Lights because it's one of those things that I never expected at all, but it's there. Wala na 'kong nagawa. Ganon eh. I fell in love. (I couldn't do anything about it)"  OH MY GOD I AM STILL LAUGHING  And then finally I say, "I think I'm scared of Grey's Anatomy and how it's going to make me feel. I feel like if I plunge in and watch it, I will be destroyed forever. I can't. I just.. can't." -- IT'S SO PATHETIC, I CANNOT COMPREHEND MYSELF HAHAHAHA!

I DON'T EVEN. I don't know, but yes, that conversation did actually happen. Not in those exact words, but that's the gist, basically. And I don't know why I'm posting this here for all of you to laugh at, but I just felt that it was so funny and ridiculous and pathetic that I needed to share it.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

Blogging and Facebook Couples

So, this new blog has been pretty good for me so far. I guess I should've figured out earlier that blogging this way (with actually paragraphs and updates) on Tumblr would never work. That's where I put my crazy fangirl self, and this is where I'm going to blog. Like, forealz. I'll probably try and post my old blog entries from Tumblr some other time, but that can wait. I guess I rule out Tumblr as a blog because for me it's more of a scrapbook, I guess? But that's just me. I reblog everything! Plus since Twitter, it's like, you basically update that anyway so people know what you've been doing or whatever. Am I right?

Anyway, the last blog I truly remember keeping up for quite some time was when I was on Xanga. Man, Xanga was the bomb. All those quotes and icons and stuff? The best. Sometimes I wish I didn't delete my Xanga accounts just so I can laugh so hard at myself for being the 12-13 girl that I dislike on Tumblr.  I just LOL. (that sentence was annoying) I barely remember what I wrote there because I think my posts were basically 3 paragraph tweets. Seriously. I would explain everything I did that day, one by one, which is so annoying because I would blog as if people cared what kind of pizza my friends and I ate on a hot summer day or whatever. Not that people care now or anything, but you know, it was pretty bad.

Speaking of blogging, a friend of mine told me that he probably would think about it before dating a blogger because she might blog about their entire relationship for everyone to see. And I'm like, "Okay, yeah. That makes sense." But I don't know. Is it that any different from those annoying updates couples post/share or whatever on Facebook? Like those, "Dude, we get it. You guys are fighting." or "Y'all should just text or IM or talk on the phone, okay? We don't need to know that cheesy baby talk thing you guys apparently do!" Don't get me wrong, some couples do this dance very well, so it's not annoying. Those types of couples get more if a, "WELP. THAT SHIT WAS CUTE. #foreveralone," reaction which is the good kind of annoying. Maybe. I'll get back to you on that.

There's probably a Date a Girl Who Blogs article out there somewhere, but I'm too tired to Google it. You guys can just update me if one actually exists. I actually don't know why we like to blog about our lives. People with very interesting lives, sure, but not-so-interesting people like me? I don't know. I guess we just have a lot of feelings and having journals aren't enough. Meh. But whatever, I'm still going to write about things that matter to me, or don't. I mean, obviously it matters to me because I wouldn't blog about it if it didn't. Actually, it can go both ways. If something is really, really important to me, I either blog about it 'til the ends of the internet or not blog about it at all because I want to keep it for myself. Which I admit, I'm not very good at. I've always been one of those people who always need to say what they feel because if I don't, I would really lose it. That's done me good and bad. C'est la vie.

Last Week

.... was one of the best I've had in a while.

✓ CSA friends
✓ Beer
✓ Perks of Being a Wallflower
✓ Tea time
✓ More CSA friends
✓ DLM shoot
✓ Basketball
✓ Football
✓ Molave friends

It was a bit crazy and that's why I was really tired, but it was the good kind of tired. The happy kind. It has never happened that I actually spent time with both my CSA friends and Molave friends equally in a span of more or less 7 days. Best way to end September. It's already October and I can feel the time creeping up to Christmas.

10 Things I Should've Learned By Now

A few months back I was exposed to the beautiful art of spoken word poetry, and I stumbled upon Sarah Kay. That night, all I did was watch all the spoken word poetry I could until I fell asleep. The next day, I decided to gather up my courage and email this wonderful lady that has truly put a dent in the way I think and see things. Perspective. I sent an email thanking her for that and asking her if she could give me lists to maybe jumpstart on a writing session or something (writing lists is something she does when she makes drafts of a poem). I never thought she would reply because 1. she was on holiday at the time and 2. she probably gets 100+ emails a day. I just had to tell her that she had reached me and I was contented.

After a day or two, I saw that I had gotten an email from her. I couldn't quite believe it. She wrote me a lovely email and gave me book suggestions and lists to do. I've never actually done any of her given lists, so I thought since I'm starting this new blog for writing purposes, I'd go ahead and just start making them. First of five. Just so you know, this is going to be nothing like spoken word poetry. They're just lists. Maybe.

10 Things I Should've Learned By Now

1. Food somehow tastes better when you're at someone else's house.
2. Life doesn't stop for anyone.
3. The things you want to change never do, and the things you don't, always do.
4. It's not as bad as it seems. You can always try again tomorrow.
5. Buying books in bulk will resort to book hoarding.
6. Sincerely asking people, "So, how are you?" after a couple of shots gets you a pretty honest and decent answer.
7. You will always regret that shot of tequila in the morning.
8. There will always be crap days that could be turned into a good writing session.
9. Your head is there to fight with your heart. All the time. Those feelings you're feeling right now? Sleep it off. 2 am onwards is not an advisable time to tweet/blog ridiculous emotional things because it's 2 am and the feelings take over the world for the next 3 hours. You can feel them all around you, hovering like Dementors wanting to take your soul. Ignore them until you get some sleep. It won't matter as much tomorrow.
10. How to bake a cake. (I seriously should've learned this by now.)

Yeah. That's all I can think of right now. How fascinating.

I Wish I Knew You

I want so badly to tear down your walls. I want to know you. I want to know you better than anyone else. I want to know everything about you. Okay, maybe not everything and maybe not better than everyone else, but I want to know you. After all these years you would think I already do, but I actually don’t. And that makes sense because it’s not like we see each other on a regular basis, but I wish we did. Proximity. 

Honestly though, who does? Is there actually a person out there who knows you? I’m not talking about your name, or your major, or who your brothers and sisters are, I’m talking about the real you. The you when nobody’s around. The you when you’re alone, listening to whatever it is you listen to. I wish I knew. And if there was a person out there who does know you, I’m jealous.

And it’s not like this jealousy involves romantic feelings or whatever, I just really wish I knew you. I wish I knew things no one else did. I wish we had little secrets that you and I shared. I wish I knew why you’re so closed off from people. It’s weird because on the surface you look so normal, but if there’s one thing I know about you it’s that you don’t actually let people in. And people don’t really see that because you’re always there. You’re always participating. I wonder what you do when you’re not out and partying participating. I wonder what you think about randomly. I wonder what your interests are aside from the obvious sports. Do you read books? Maybe not. But if you did, I wonder what kind of books you’d like. What do you think about the world? If could go to another place entirely, where would you go? What do your hopes and dreams consist of? What are your goals? What are your opinions on recycling and plastic? Do you like Scrabble? Would you be up to play a game of Scrabble with me? Do you like tea? What’s your favorite food? What’s your favorite thing to cook? What’s your favorite kind of chocolate; dark, milk or white? What’s your favorite holiday? What’s your family’s Christmas routine? Is your family close? How many brothers and sisters do you have? What are your parents like? What street games did you play when you were growing up? What about PlayStation, what games do you play on that? What’s your favorite color? What kind of music do you like? And don’t tell me “everything” because that’s crap. I want a real answer. I want to know the most embarrassing song you have on your iTunes that you secretly really love. I want to know your favorite tv shows and your favorite movies and why. I want to know all that. You know, basic stuff.

I want us to be like Ted and Robin. You probably don’t watch that show, but that’s how I can picture us minus the dating part. I want to be your wingwoman and I want you to be my wingman. I want to be the one you talk to about girls (no, not like that. get your guy friends for that. i’ll be here for the “feelings” part). I want to have you there if I don’t understand some of that guy stuff or if a guy is being an ass to me, you’ll be there to put him off. I kinda want us to go searching for great unknown restaurants and just eat our faces off. I want to be able tell you when you’re being a super douchebag and I want you to tell me if I’m being a super annoying emotional girly bitch (which I’ll admit I am 99% of the time, so just deal with it). I want us to be able to call each other out on our shit without having hard feelings.

I want to know the way your mind works. I want us to have one of those moments where I just look at you and you immediately get it. I want to be able to give you presents that you’d actually like. I want to make you mixtapes. I want you to feel appreciated. I don’t know why, but I get the feeling that you’re not being appreciated enough. I mean, sure, you can be an ass sometimes, but you’re a pretty decent person and I like being around you. It’s fun. I just really, really wish I knew more about you because I feel like I should have already. I want to know things about you because I kinda want to be your best friend, but I’ll never admit it. I want to be the one you text when you see something funny or if your favorite team made the playoffs or whatever, and even though I won’t get it, I’d say “that’s nice,” and you’ll know that I really mean it that it’s nice to be the one you tell the little things to. 

 I think about it sometimes and I always end up thinking that we could’ve easily been best friends if things were different. We’re different people now, so I guess now we’ll never know. Just know that whoever ends up knowing these things about you and more is one lucky girl. Not just because she has you, but because she’ll have me, too. 

Think about it. Let’s say all of this is actually real. I know almost everything about you, and assuming I like this girl whom you’re with (which is kinda a big deal because obvs I should know if she’s nice and whatever), she’ll have me to bitch about you and I’ll be there to tell her that you’re just having an emotional breakdown and you’ll snap out of it eventually. She’ll know that I can bring you back to your senses. It won’t drive her crazy as much because if I can put up with your shit, so can she. And if I don’t like her (not without the lack of trying), then I’m sure we can do something about that. Win win.

But alas, that is not the case, so I guess I’ll just always wonder if that version of us exists in another universe.