The Story Of Us.

I like being the steady friend who takes care of the things that need to be taken cared of whenever we have “grown up” gatherings (aka when things need to be planned out). I am always that girl, and I love being that for them. It makes me feel important. 

I like being the steady friend that they can go to when they just want to chill out and talk. I think everyone needs one in their set of friends, or at least one in their lives. Everyone needs some kind of solid foundation. I’m not saying that I’m the super innocent “never did anything bad” friend, it’s just that my friends are super out there that I look so boring compared to them, but I don’t mind. I let them do their thing, and I will just be watching on the sidelines and wait for them to live out the phase and I cannot wait til they get tired of going out every week and just settle down a bit. I will be patiently waiting because I’m Aia and I will always believe that everything will fall into place at the right time when it’s supposed to. But for right now, this is us and it is just as it should be.

We will continue to grow up and old together. I know this now. This might be as naive as it gets, but as time goes by, I become more sure of us. I was sure that around this time, I would completely lose touch with them, but the latter part of this year has been so great and I think it was important that it happened. The distance that happens in between is inevitable and necessary. And even though we will be seeing less of each other as time goes by, we will always have these moments that will bring us back to what brought us together in the first place. This is what I have with them and I will always keep it in my heart. And even though it seems that I’m the only one who feels this way about us, I don’t mind because I know they do too, just in their own way. We will never talk about this, and that's okay. I choose to write about it and they choose to live it. This is what makes us us and I love it.

I know I always say that I miss them more than they miss me, and that’s still true, but I choose not to mind. I refuse to miss them less just because they don’t miss me. I love us and I always will. I will always be writing about us. I think I’ve written about us more than I wanted to and it always says the same things, just in a different era of our lives. Well, my life, to be exact. I’ve written about us when I was depressed, when I was happy, and when I was with them living in the moment, just being there and participating. I have written about us when I missed them dearly and briefly regretted it after because I know that it was just me being sad and left out. But as we get older, I’ve learned to understand that no one will ever be the perfect friend/s. I have come to realize that they also have a life that they live that doesn’t involve you at all. They may and will forget you sometimes (most of the time), but they won’t forget about you when it counts. You won’t always be there during the nights when they said that it was the “best,” but the great thing about us is that there will always be another “best” night to come. This happens often since we’re such a big group, but this time around, I don’t mind.

I will love us always. I will always choose to love the distance when we’re apart and I will continue to love us when we’re together again. I will always be overdramatic about this. I refuse to feel less. I will always write about us and the moments that we felt horrible and infinite at the same time waiting for the sun to come up.

This will be the story of our lives and it’s still happening. Things will change and people will too, just like they should. Because what kind of story would that be if nothing changed at all?

Dear You,

I'm pretty sure I'll always ask myself why we're friends. Or how we even became friends. I don't even remember the exact moment this happened, but it did. To this day I really don't know how we ended up here, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

You might not be the friend who I hang out with every weekend, and you're definitely not my "let's get lost in a bookstore" friend. You might not be the friend I call or text when little things happen and you're not the friend I talk to on a regular basis, but at the end of the day it doesn't really matter. You will always be the friend I can talk to after 5 years of not seeing each other and it's not going to be awkward in any way. I really believe that. And I think it works that way because we're so different yet we're the same. We live very different lives, and apart from the obvious, we have very different friends that will not survive in the same room together, yet somehow, we do.

I like that we balance each other out. I like that we will never run out of stories to tell because you're you and I'm me. I'll always be the friend you hang out with if you wanna have a chill night. "Coffee conversations" or whatever. And you're the one I always wanna catch up with because I never know what you're up to. I just realized that through the years, you taught me how to be less judgemental and very judgemental at the same time. I know that doesn't make a lot of sense, but it does. Think about it for a second.

Off topic, I just rummaged through my "box" and read some of our letters and they are still funny. Whatever happens, I know that we're going to be the same because once upon a time it was us against the world, and they were definitely some of the greatest moments, some of my favorites, and I will treasure them forever.

I love you always,

Aia

Clingy.

I noticed that I would always say that my world was very small. "It's not like I meet new people on a regular basis," is something I find myself saying frequently. And it's true that I get annoyed by that fact because I generally like people, and new friends are always welcome. But the truth is, I like that my world is small. Most days.

I like the fact that I only have two sets of friends. I like that I know exactly who the people in my life are and what to expect or not. I like that I grew up with them in more ways than one. I like that I don't have to split my time with too many people, I just split it with those two. Obviously, I am very much invested in them. You don't spend your time growing up with them and just push it aside. Too much history. Sure, there'll be off days and distance and life all that stuff, but you can look at it however you wish, you're still stuck with them. This is it. For better or worse. Stuck in a good way. Most of the time, anyway.

I write this now because I don't have anything else to do, and when that happens I get sucked into these stupid girl feelings which are the worst ever. I write this now because separation anxiety is kicking in and it's never good when it does. I write this now because I care. Not that they don't care, I'm sure they do too, it's just that I care... a lot. Like, a lot a lot. I care the most. Maybe. Yeah, probably. Whatever. I won't apologize for it because I tried doing that, and it didn't help at all. It took me years, but I've accepted that I am hardwired this way and there is nothing I can do about it. I'll always be that person. I'll always try hard not to look like it, and I might even lie about it, but I'll always care. I'll always be the one wondering about how everyone is doing and if they're doing okay. I probably won't always be the one to ask if they're okay, so sometimes I wait for them to come talk to me. Sometimes. And I don't ask just 'cause. I ask because I'm curious and I care, okay? I really do.

I write this now because I miss people. I'll always be the one to miss everyone. Sometimes I feel like it's my job. It's a secret (not so secret now) job that I love and hate just because I always end up back here. It's become a little too familiar now. And for some reason, these days it's a bit taboo to just say "I miss you" to someone without sounding so clingy and ridiculous. It seems ridiculous because, duh, there's Twitter now and Facebook and Instagram and all these social networks that are supposed to let you know what they're doing with their lives. That's nice that you had that for lunch and all, but I still miss you. It's nice that you wore that outfit today, but I still miss you. It's nice that you're bored in class right now, but I still miss you. 

Gahh, I hate it. I hate being that person, but alas, here we are. Clingy.

I write this now because I am the worst over thinker in the world. All those things I just said are probably so ridiculous because obviously, these people have lives to live! They don't care about this stuff. They don't have time to think about it. I, on the other hand, do. I have lots of it. Time and I haven't been the best of friends. I always over think everything and it gets exhausting sometimes. I constantly have to remind myself that all of this should just be simple, and yet I always find myself back here. Sometimes I don't mind because I've gotten used to it, but nights like tonight suck.

Stupid girl feelings.

Last Week

.... was one of the best I've had in a while.

✓ CSA friends
✓ Beer
✓ Perks of Being a Wallflower
✓ Tea time
✓ More CSA friends
✓ DLM shoot
✓ Basketball
✓ Football
✓ Molave friends

It was a bit crazy and that's why I was really tired, but it was the good kind of tired. The happy kind. It has never happened that I actually spent time with both my CSA friends and Molave friends equally in a span of more or less 7 days. Best way to end September. It's already October and I can feel the time creeping up to Christmas.

Sorry, I'm Not Sorry

Last night I had some of my old friends over, old friends whom I've spent 90% of my time with during my most formative years, and we just talked the night away. Always my kind of night. We haven't been together in a room in a really really long time, and I found myself just letting it sink in because I've really missed the loudness when we're together. Life is so weird. 7 years ago, if you told me that we're going to be where we are now, I wouldn't have believed you. We probably would've laughed. Except maybe for Tim. I always knew that's where he was going to be, so at least there's that. 

Amidst all the talking and catching up, we somehow ended up looking at old photos that I had when were in grade school and high school and it was ridiculous how much pictures I had. Apparently, I have been dubbed "the treasure chest of memories" or something like that. I have pictures on my wall, my boxes, my Multiply account, basically everywhere and I never delete them or throw them out because, I mean, who would do that? Not me, obviously. I am a memory hoarder.

True enough, out of all my friends, I think I was always the one with the camera. I've always had this urge to document everything, big or small, just because I never want to forget. I like looking at photos and remembering that day/night, and more than that, remembering what it felt to be there. Participating. (Sorry, still not over Perks) But I mean, isn't that why we take pictures? I like looking at old photos and being transported back in time. I guess that's my thing. I have lots of "things," but I'm very particular about this one. I guess even back then I've always had the "this won't last forever" mantra or something and I'm glad because there will come a time that we're not going to be able to do this anymore. It'll become less and less over the years, and that's just life. It will eventually catch up. But in these pictures, we're always going to be there. It's always gonna be there to remind us that we did have nights like this and they were some of the best times we had together. It's just really nice to always be able to have that. Aren't you glad that I took/have those pictures? It's always an LOL moment with old photos, okay? ♡ 

"Some say that this is my fatal flaw but it is something I refuse to change. Because how sad is it, to dull that part of your humanness?"

This afternoon I read this article from Thought Catalog. It's about love and stuff, but that quote above just really stood out and hit home. All these years I always get shit about being so emotionally invested, and for the longest time I was lead to believe that it was a bad thing. Only recently did I realize that it's actually not. Sure, I'm just a bit more (okay maybe a lot more) emotional about these things, but whatever, man. I love us. It's what I feel. It's every bit as real as yours, it's just that I'm more vocal with it. But that's fine, you don't have to say anything. I'm okay with being the one who always says it out loud for us.

Write About Us

I can only count by my fingers the days when I can truly say that it was perfect. And today was one of them. Days like this don't come around very often. The days when you wake up and feel like it's going to be a good day and it really was.

I watched Perks of Being a Wallflower with my favorite people today. There is honestly no other set of people in this world that I would watch it with for the first time (and yes, I will watch it again and again). We've been looking forward to this since we found out that the book was being turned into a movie. When I found out that it was going to  be directed, produced and written by Stephen Chbosky, the author of the book, I knew it was going to be just fine. And true enough, it was perfect.

"I know there are people who say all these things don't happen, and there are people who forget what it's like to be sixteen when they turn seventeen. I know these will all be stories someday and our pictures will become old photographs, we'll all become somebody's mom or dad. But right now these moments are not stories, this is happening. I can see it, this one moment when you know you're not a sad story. You are alive. And you stand up and you see the lights in the buildings and everything that makes you wonder, and you're listening to that song in that drive with the people you love most in this world. And in this moment, I swear, we are infinite."

_______________________

The movie was not more or less, it was as it should be. Just like that. I'm pretty sure I'm a bit biased because I've read and re-read the book a couple of times and I feel like I really know these people. I feel like they are my friends and I am a part of their world. Logan is my Charlie, Emma is my Sam, and Ezra is my Patrick. PERFECTION. I can't even explain. The way they embodied all the characters in this movie is just the way it was meant to be. I think the Aunt Helen parts would be strange to the people who haven't read the book, but to me it was just as it should be. The music was perfect. If I was to change one thing in the movie it's probably the addition of Landslide (aka one of my favorite songs ever). I kept waiting for it but it never came. I understood that it didn't really fit in the "infinite" part, but I wish they still put it in there somewhere. Maybe when Charlie was saying goodbye to Sam or something. But anyway! That's just one tiny, tiny thing and it's not really a big deal. I don't think I'll ever be able to fully explain my feelings while watching this movie because... How do you explain the feeling of falling in love and feeling infinite at the same time? I don't know. The only thing I know is that that's how great, simple movies should make you feel.

Another thing I know for a fact is that being able to find people that are perfect for you is a rare gift. Rarely do you find people who just get you without even needing to explain yourself because they just know. There weren't a lot of words about Perks while we were having tea because we all knew it. We all felt it. The best we could do was hold hands during that last scene (which was perfect) and replay Patrick's killer lines. Oh my god, the movie was so good. Surround yourself with people who make you feel infinite, and everything is going to be okay.